If you couldn't tell by now I like pictures. I use pictures in place of words. My words.
I've never been great at getting out what I'm thinking, feeling, etc...
I honestly believe pictures can say it better. With that said,
here goes a post of words only.
My thoughts... beware this is going to get very personal... I am just so sick and tired of holding this in...
I just concluded this post and thought that maybe I don't write often because it makes my vulnerable and maybe portrays a less then happy me. But sometimes life just ain't so sweet... Here are my thoughts uncensored and raw.
August 2012, we moved back to Gilbert, Arizona. We had been away from our childhood homes now for 6 years. We married October 2006, and moved to Tucson, Arizona for 2 years then Bellevue, Washington for 4 years. The reasons we moved away are not important. The reason I tell you that we did move is, my whole married goal so far has been to get back home. Back to Gilbert, Arizona near family. Because Family always meant the world to me, no place was worth living in if family didn't live there too. Or so I thought... I just wanted to be home.
Now that I am home, it no longer feels like the home I had known. It no longer feels the same. I know now my home is where Dave and I are. I can honestly and really mean that. Regretfully it took me 6 years to figure that one out. So along the way I was never truly happy or satisfied. Do I feel this because I am one who always wants what I can't have or do I live in a way where I am never satisfied with what I have and always want more or something different.
Honestly, it's both. I can tell you right now, that moving home has been a mistake. Because I expected a Parade, Party or rather a very large celebration that Dave and I are finally home again. I pictured the Prodigal Son celebration I guess...
So here's my dilemma. I hate my life right now, all of it from where I live, David's parents house in dull, dry and getting hotter Arizona. To where I work, not that it's a bad job, good actually, the Microsoft of Arizona, just nothing I ever pictured myself doing. Not being a parent. Feeling like everyone else is progressing at an unusually fast rate in comparison to Dave and I. And yes, I know, do not compare myself to others. And yes, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. But when everyone your age and younger are doing it; house buying, getting that college degree, pushing out 1,2,3, etc babies and well just moving along. It's hard to get why I'm at this stage in my life where I have none of that and according to my age and timeline I should.
I blame myself. My whole teenage/adult life I've wanted just one thing to be a stay at home Mom. Never had a plan B. School never interested me. I went. I have a lot of credits right now, that don't account for any physical degree. In fact I went to Coconino Community College in Flagstaff, AZ, then Chandler-Gilbert Community College, then Mesa Community College, then Utah Valley State Community College, then my last and probably final attempt Bellevue College in Washington. Can you see a trend here not to mention how many times I have changed my major; General Studies, Real Estate Law, Business, Interior Design and Art Historian. Lets just say I can't commit to anything because I didn't want to. I just wanted to be a stay at home Mom.
Which leads to another problem...
My religion teaches that families are important. That we should procreate and multiply the Earth. That it's a blessing and one God wants for each of us... Yada Yada Yada. Makes me mad. God has decided now is not the time in my life to have a child although been trying for 2 years now. With major fertility and medical problems. But all you can see is that I am just fat. And if that is what my religion focuses so much on, not sure I can face that every Sunday. Which happens to be my only day off every week.
So what in my life could possibly be more important than having an eternal family? That is the million dollar question I can not answer. One I can not find relief for or comfort for. I just don't know what my purpose is here. It just doesn't makes sense. I feel I have lost my luster and love for life. Things that use to keep me happy and satisfied no longer do. I feel programed now to just make money like I have always done from age 14. Don't even get me started on my job history it's depressing that I have had so many and I am only 28. Almost 29 in June. So I work, sleep and work some more. I guess I can understand how men, husbands and Dads feel as providers of the household. In a way it makes me appreciate them and not want to take for granted their sacrifice. But then again I never finished a college degree to make sure I was stuck in an industry I wanted to be stuck in. So here I am. Just here.
I think that's probably enough for today...
6 comments:
Hey friend!
So I don't check blogs very often anymore, since I'm usually just on my phone, but I happened to check tonight and see your post.
First of all, I'm glad you wrote about all this! Not that it's any of my business, and not that I necessarily know that I'll be of any help, but I know that at least in my life, writing has been a good outlet. I think blogs often portray the life we want people to think we have, and not reality. I enjoy reading about people being "real".
I'm sorry life isn't what you pictured it to be. I can relate on the "Mesa being home" thing. We have lived away for 5 years now and see no future in Mesa in the near future. In many ways, I'm like you... I want to get back there. But it's funny how I feel now, even when we just go to visit. It's like it's my childhood home, but not my real home. I almost feel like I'm visiting a storybook. It's my place of memories, but not my current life. Maybe someday we'll get back there, but we have discovered how nice it can be to live away. We are our own little family and have made friends and relationships that never would have happened if we had stayed in Mesa. In Mesa, we wouldn't have reached out to other couples in our ward or neighborhood, because we'd always be with our family. Not that it's a bad thing to always be with your family, but when it's not an option... then bloom where you're planted, right? :)
So do you see yourself moving away again? Is Dave's job pretty permanent in Mesa?
As far as the fertility issue, I am really really sorry. I have a good friend you went through that too. She gained a lot of weight, trying different medications and treatments. They tried for two years also before they were able to adopt. I remember her one night venting her frustrations with her weight gain, and people not generally understanding. Another good friend would get pregnant but always miscarry after 3 months. This happened repeatedly, so she was always gaining weight, then losing the baby. I know for both of them, however, life didn't end up the way they pictured, but there were resolutions. I think some of our hardest trials in life are meant to test our faith. To see if we'll hold on, or push away. And I can definitely remember times when I wanted to push away. Thankfully, I didn't. I don't know if I have my husband to thank for that, but whatever the reason, I know that it wouldn't have made my situation better. Right now, actually, there are some things going on in our lives that have made me pretty depressed. I cried my eyes out just two nights ago over a decision we're having to make. Sometimes, life sucks. But it won't suck forever! :) Hang in there, Mindi! Every trial we go through is meant to teach us something. You're a great person who wants to do what's right. I hope this wasn't too cliche. Things will work out. Just keep swimming. :)
Mindi, I wish I could say something to make it all better.
Some quotes that help me are:
1) "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass--it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
and
2) "When one door in life closes, another one opens, but sometimes we look so long at the closed door that we fail to see what's opened before us."
Hang in there. You're beautiful inside and out. I know you know God has a plan for you...you're probably a lot like me...I usually want to know WHAT ON EARTH that plan is! :) Knowing that He has a plan doesn't quite make the moments we have to walk in the dark any easier, when you wish you could just see His plan.
The only thing in life that is constant is change. If you were to have lived here for the last 6 years, you would have watched everything change around you and seen everyone else moving away and doing different and exciting things with their lives and you may have thought, "Why am I not out exploring the world & living in new places like everyone else?"
Change is always constant no matter where you live...which is actually something that might give you hope. Since change is constant, remember that it's NOT going to be like this FOREVER--things are going to get better, and you're going to find a groove and you can find happiness again.
I love you, Mindi! You are beautiful INSIDE AND OUT! Don't forget the power of priesthood blessings and going to the temple--it will help you sort out your path as you try to find what's best for you & Dave now and also what's in store for your future family.
Love you Mindi. You are a vivacious, amazing, sweet, kind hearted woman. Don't let this trial strip the true you away. You can do this!
I have always said my trials can make me better or make me bitter. It's so hard to see in the midst of it and I'm sorry it is so hard right now. Please know there are so many people who love you and pray for you regularly. Lean on my faith and belief in you for now. Big hugs!
Stephanie - I made a comment on your blog...
DJO - I liked this part, "Change is always constant no matter where you live...which is actually something that might give you hope. Since change is constant, remember that it's NOT going to be like this FOREVER"
Cher - Big hugs back!!!!!
Thanks all of you for your words of wisdom and thoughts of love. I apperciate the pep talk...
Quote from Yoga Friday..."It's all good in the end. If it's not good yet..it is not the end."
Love you Mind!! xox
Hi Mindi, I think you will remember me. I happened to come upon your blog and read it. I'm sorry that you are so unhappy with your life right now. Satan loves to find ways to discourage us and try to keep us from being happy and successful. A friend (Maurine Huston) often said when faced with a problem, "What does Heavenly Father want me to learn from this experience?" This saying has helped me at different times in my life. There are always a lot of things to be thankful for. There are always people who have it worse than we do. My suggestion would be to pray to Heavenly Father for strength and direction and to reach out and provide service to someone else. It will help you to forget about your own problems and enrich your life by serving a family member, friend, neighbor, or stranger. I am now 66years old. I can tell you that life goes by so fast. I have been through some rough times lately and have relied on Heavenly Father for direction and the strength to handle whatever comes my way. Life definitely doesn't always go the way we hope or expect it to. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. You have a wonderful family and a father who could give you a blessing (or ask your home teacher or someone else). Hang in there! You are a wonderful person who has lots of amazing qualities and so much to contribute to the world! Sharon Phelps
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